I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
