I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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