i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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