Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
