I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
