mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
