Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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