so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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