You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
