A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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