So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
