i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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