i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
