his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
