dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
