god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
