is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
