Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
