I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
