I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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