I'm going to jail i love you
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
