Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
