You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
