Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
