I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Floor bacon is actually really good
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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