the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
