the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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