I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
