I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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