So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
