y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
