here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
