My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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