i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
