Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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