i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
