I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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