smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
