Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
