I hate your face
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
sarcasm needs its own font
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Come on in and take your pants off
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