just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
