Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
