ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
