i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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