I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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