i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
