My liver just broke up with me...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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