Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
