Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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