the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
